Not Ready to Make Nice

What do I do when my boss wants more than professionalism? My boss is terrible at his job and wastes the time and energy of the 100 people below him. When he is unclear, as one of the leaders just under him I ask clarifying questions. He gets flustered and defensive. As a woman, I feel it is important I not put on a demure and flirty attitude just to make him comfortable, but recently I was pulled into his office to work on my negativity. What is the best way forward? To reiterate, I am exceedingly professional — just not putting on the typical girlie song and dance to make myself more palatable.

— Anonymous

Your boss is entitled to his preferences, but he is not entitled to make you jump through unnecessary and gendered hoops to do your work effectively. I wish you had offered more information in your letter. Did he give you specifics on what he views as negativity? Did he offer preferred solutions for this communication impasse?

I’m afraid there isn’t much you can do, because you aren’t really the problem. If he gets flustered and defensive when you ask clarifying questions, it’s probably because he doesn’t have the answers and is unable to admit that. If he wants you to charm him with your feminine wiles, well, that’s a personal problem. If you are being professional, and I believe you are, that’s all you need to do. In the meantime, document that you were pulled into his office and the conversation you had, and also document other instances where he is being unreasonable, just in case.

Divided Over Service

I’m writing to request advice on handling a situation that would have been completely unimaginable six months ago. An American colleague has traveled to Israel to volunteer in support of the war effort. Not only did this colleague receive permission, this person received special dispensation to exceed the number of annual vacation days allotted.

We are the only two Jews in the office and live in a part of the country where Jews are a minority. I’m willing to hold my nose about the permission our supervisors gave for the trip and even the additional days off they gave because I expect a workplace to let a worker pursue their interests outside the office, within reason.

But how am I supposed to continue to work with this colleague? I consider this colleague the worst kind of self-hating Jew for besmirching our shared peaceful religion through these actions. My supervisors are completely oblivious to my dilemma and fury, for now.

What would you do? Do you feel as though my feelings are legitimate, or am I overreacting?

— Anonymous

You are entitled to your feelings, but you don’t get to dictate what other people do with their time, energy and resources. You don’t get to decide your colleague is self-hating because he has made a choice with which you disagree. His taking time off to volunteer in Israel is none of your business.

You do not want to start meddling with why people take time off, because there are all kinds of reasons for which people will request and receive special leave dispensations. If your colleague were a reservist for the American military, would you have the same feelings? When your colleague returns, you might have a conversation to try to better understand his choices, but what will that accomplish?

Though you share a cultural background, you have different ideas about how you should acquit yourselves. There is common ground to be found, but you both have to be willing to meet there. Your anger is something you need to manage. Put that energy into something productive, such as participating in a protest or volunteering your time with an organization that reflects your values.